The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
