For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
how drunk are you?
Several
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
soo... how was my night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
