My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
