I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
