In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
