Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
