lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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