life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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