My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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