I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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