You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
