I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
