My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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