EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
