you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
