that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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