I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
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You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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