Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
