my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
