The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
