I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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