i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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