So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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