Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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