he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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