this beer tastes like vomit already
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
