I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
where am i from again
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
