bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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