when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
