so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Someone came in the potted fern
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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