so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
