I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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