On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.