fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
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I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.