Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
