failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
