I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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