When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
