Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
