guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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