bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
