It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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