im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need water and some morals
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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