My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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