Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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