I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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