Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
