I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
