Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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