The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
