Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
