You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
