I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
