I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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