Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
