R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
