Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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