pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
